This is Absolutely a Call-Out Post
Dear friends and family,
This is a call-out post. Not in the way you’re thinking. I’ve been sitting on this open letter for a LONG time. I kept thinking it would alienate my family members and some of my friends, but you know what? At the end of the day? My happiness is more important than your opinion.
Here’s my truth and the tea, I’m just living it. I am non-binary. I came out awhile ago, but some people were like it’s a phase or you’ll always be Jess to me. Jess is my deadname (a name I no longer use and has a lot of scars for me related to trauma). It’s not a reflection on anyone, it’s just one of the many reasons I changed my name.
Speaking of, I do have gender dysphoria. Mine specifially manifests in my needing to keep my hair short and my flannel on. Some days I feel like wearing dresses, others I feel like wearing a tank top and a flannel and pockets. It wouldn’t be any different than you.
But society has deemed me as the “other” and because of that, I am labelled a way that is considered dangerous. I honestly don’t understand it. I am lucky to live in a state that not only recognizes my marriage to a transgender woman (I’ll get it, don’t you worry), but also recognizes the X on my driver’s license. Because I go between genders for lack of a better word.
So, let’s talk pronouns: I use they/them and my wife refers to me as her husband. Not because I am a man, but I am much more comfortable with a husband moniker. In dealing with this exciting news, let’s lay a few ground rules:
- I am Crimson Stone. I kept my middle name. I changed my first for a number of reasons: my reflection of being non-binary, it’s a pretty kickass name, and I happen to work in a field that likes unique names. I took my wife’s name because I love her. It wasn’t an insult to you and if you take it as such, ask yourself if you are really mad at me or if you have some preconceived notion I was disabused of in college.
- Ask for my pronouns or you can use she/her and they/them as that’s what I appear most as.
- Don’t assume that I look like a girl for the day. Hi, I’m right here, ask.
- I use the female or family bathroom. I am not comfortable in a male restroom and probably never will be.
- Every non-binary person is different. So if someone else comes out, their experience? Going to be waayyyy different than mine.
- I do not identify as transgender. Not because I don’t want to or have to. I’m not transgender and that’s just how I feel about the subject.
- If you make mistakes, that’s fine! It shows you’re trying and that you care enough to change your thinking on how you address me. I may correct you or let it go, but know that it is noticed and appreciated, ESPECIALLY if you correct yourself to the non-binary affectation.
I don’t understand how my job can change everything over in a month and just the people who I see once a year don’t know, but people who have known me for over a year can change it over instanetaneously. You have no excuse.
Okay, now that I’ve explained that, let me explain another thing: I married a transgender woman. She is a woman. Has always been a woman and quite frankly anyone who says “used to be a man” is both ignorant and an asshole.
Do I have to explain as to why I love Ispiri? No, because I love her and that’s my business. I am married. There is a ring on my finger. Please make sure to address me as such. I took my wife’s name, just as most people have taken their husbands’ names. It’s the same thing. Please don’t single me out if you don’t agree with my lifestyle.
Again, I have no ill will towards anyone in my family or friends. I just want to set the record straight.
FUN FACTS: I am also asexual, meaning I don’t really find myself attracted to others or have an interest in sex. I can’t pick up on some social cues. Remember that I love you, but I will put my foot down and protect myself, my wife, and my cats.